I am professional woman who is madly in love with my husband, who is a Sailor in the US Navy and adore our two puppies. We are currently trying to expand our family and are dealing with some of the craziness that that entails. This is a place I go to vent and talk about my life. Enjoy!
I had thought after last nights post I would hold off on oversharing about the nitty gritty details of my struggle and stick with vague generalities...however I have to say my ovaries may jump out of my body and explode. My doctor has put me on medicine to induce/increase ovulation and I am sure it is working because goodness my ovaries are swollen!
My last post was about the miscarriage I had last year, which lines up with about the time I quit blogging and left the internet world. This post goes a little further into my emotions and feelings and current steps being taken.
So roughly 2.5 years ago I wrote a guest post for my friend Wifey @ Wife of a Sailor about infertility. Since then I have been pretty much silent on the subject.
This silence has existed for a reason and now I'm at a point where I just need to think out loud, to vent, share, on and complain....so here I am sharing with the entire interwebz my struggle.
I'm sure at this point given my relative radio silence over the past few years on this blog I have very few, if any, active followers yet but this is my space and so...
After hubby returned from deployment we quickly got pregnant, I was so excited. I loved being pregnant, unfortunately at about 10 weeks we lost the baby. I had a miscarriage the day after putting a copy of an ultrasound picture in the mail to my mom to tell her the great news. The only thing I really remember about that night I lying on the bed in the ER sobbing uncontrollably when I remembered mailing the picture. I looked at hubby and all I said was "you have to call and tell mom, I can't do it."
Hubby was amazing, we found out I was pregnant shortly after closing on our new house. We had started our minor renovations when we found out but dear sweet hubby was stuck refinishing floors on his own after a very short tutorial from me (since I had done it before) then I bailed. He busted his butt working on the house, then after I lost the baby busted his butt to make sure I was taken care of.
All he wanted was for me to be ok, so once I reached a point where I could function like a normal human being I was ok...at least as far as I let on, for the most part. There were (are) occasionally times when I just can't hold it together. Nights when I start sobbing uncontrollably with grief for no clear reason, days when I snap at him for not caring. It has been over a year but I still feel empty inside.
After the miscarriage there were a lot of doctors appointments. A lot of lab work. A lot of ultrasounds...In the end my doctor decided to put me on a low dose thyroid pill because my thyroid levels were low but within the normal range, and there is a high correlation that has been found in multiple studies between thyroid levels like mine and early miscarriage.
So I thought I would take this magic pill and everything would get better. I thought after a couple of months I would be pregnant again and this time my body wouldn't fail me, this time I would go to the hospital after 9ish months and come home with a healthy baby...
I was wrong. I have now been on thyroid medication for 11 months and still not pregnant. Maybe in time it will happen, but it hasn't yet and now we have to start exploring the cause once again.
I'm lucky that I have been assigned an amazing infertility doctor. She is on the cutting edge of the field and explains things in a way that is easy to understand. She recently diagnosed me with PCOS which sucks but at least it gives us a starting point as we explore treatment options and continue this journey.
If you would like to read my original post on Wife's blog it can be found here.
Nothing overly exciting is currently happening in my life. I apologize to those of you who actually attempt to read about my life. In February we bought a new house and I was extremely excited about keeping everyone updated about our progress renovating etc, but life happened as it tends to do and threw a curve ball.
In March I found out I was pregnant. I was super excited but at the same time nervous about sharing the news since we had had some issues in the past and I know the statistics about 1st trimester miscarriage etc. so I avoided posting blog updates. Then as if I jinxed myself by being discrete I had a miscarriage in May.
The miscarriage was one of the hardest things I have gone through in my life and many of my close IRL friends still don't know about it. (in fact, it's possible that one or two might find out through this blog post assuming they still have my blog on their blog feed since google reader was killed...oops!)
However I have decided that while I"m not going to make a banner to wear around that screams "I had a miscarriage" I recently read an article that made me realize I also shouldn't be hiding in the shadows. I am amazed by the number of women I know who are dealing with infertility. I am even more amazed by the number of close friends I have discovered have dealt with miscarriages at various points in pregnancy and chemical pregnancy.
Recently I went to the doctor to follow up on my issues and new blood work was ordered, we discovered that my Thyroid levels are at the high boundary of what is considered normal which may be connected to my problems so the doctor put me on a very low dose of Thyroid medication to help balance out my body in hopes that when I get pregnant again we won't have the same heartbreaking results. We also ran some other tests/ultrasounds/etc. and I have an appointment soon to make sure that every thing else looked ok. From there we will decide what to do next but I have a feeling it will be just staying the course and seeing what happens for a few months before we take any other measures assuming everything looked ok.
Outside of my reproductive organs, I am still working on my CPA license. I hope to pass the last part of the exam in February so if everyone can send me good juju and study power that would be wonderful.
Hubby has gone back to school as of two weeks ago and is doing well in his classes. He is taking an online accounting class and thought I would be able to help him. OMG the way they are teaching journal entries and T accounts is so convulated I just confuse him when I try to help! Sadly I think he might be on his own for this one! Good thing he's smart.
I'll try to do a better job of updating in the future.
So my good friend Kim totally called me out for not posting in over 2 months... So Kim this is for you :)
Things have been busy in our house, well our houses. Painting is finally starting to wrap up at the new place (pictures Sunday I promise!) and we will be starting the kitchen tomorrow and hopefully measuring and ordering the tile for the bathroom and new exterior doors this week.
I had a ... medical issue ... in midApril that I really don't need to talk about on here but it kind of put a damper on my mood so I was avoiding my blog etc for a while. But now we are back to normal and hard at work.
We got a bunch of our new furniture delivered today. It isn't situated yet and the paint isn't done on the walls but here is a sneak peak of what our new china cabinets look like. They are all reclaimed wood. One matches the dining room table and the other two are one-of a kind handmade. They are absolutely perfect I love them especially the one with the wrought iron work.
So we've been hard at work putting the modern touch on our traditional house (see what I did there?) but we have not done nearly as much as I had hoped we would by now.
For some reason I had this crazy idea that we would actually accomplish stuff on weekends but we really haven't been working as much on the weekends as I had planned.
There really isn't a whole lot to do, and since we have time we are kind of taking advantage of it.
Our to do list consist of painting every room, refinishing the hardwood floors, some minor updates in the kitchen (including a dishwasher) and the big projects-updating both bathrooms. So far we have painted the ceilings and the dining room. And we refinished the hardwood floors last weekend in every room except the kitchen.
Ill post pictures soon. (I thought they were on my phone, apparently I was wrong.)
We are having our new living room and dining room furniture delivered tomorrow so we will probably paint the guest bedroom and kitchen while we are waiting on the deliveries.
So I promised everyone a big surprise...then I completely forgot to update the blog-o-sphere... Hubby and I bought a new house. We closed on February 26th and are currently working on making it our own. The plan is to paint all of the walls, refinish the hardwood floors, make some minor updates to the kitchen, and gut the bathrooms. So far we have painted the dining room, painted the ceilings and refinished the hardwood floors in every room except the kitchen. I will post pictures soon I promise :)
So my bible study thing isn't going too well. I'm reading and studying more than I have in the past but I think I put too much structure to it for me to follow so I'm modifying it to 15-30 minutes per day of God time with the end goal of reading the entire bible and understanding the context and meaning behind what I read.
With that being said I do not normally make Lenten sacrifices as it is not a part of my religious tradition. I love the beauty of lent and I do try to do something to better myself in God during the season but it is rare that I actually give something up or make a daily challenge type of thing. This year I am going to do something different though. I love getting mail and sending it. I just wrote a letter to my Grandmother which is something I do randomly because I know she appreciates them over emails and Facebook messages. And I'm sure other people appreciate them to. So I'm going to send a letter/card to someone different who I don't see as much as I would like to for the remainder of lent. Hopefully I can make their days a little brighter :)
I am being forced to watch a documentary about the Brumuda triangle...
Also, I'm not allowed to make fun of it because apparently it's real and full of dark energy so that space time expands and people who disappear in the BT actually go through a wormhole and if they survive the "space warp" then they will end up on the other side of the triangle quicker than they should and other stuff...
He's looney I tell you....looney
PS--Dear random Navy people in the future who find my blog doing random background checks on my husband that may or may not affect (effect?) his security clearance approval etc should he ever need it please note that this is a place I come to vent and often times make fun of my husband...Please take everything written on this site with a grain of salt and understand that exaggeration is often used. My husband is not actually crazy and does not actually believe the stuff above...this is me making fun of the crazy person he wanted to watch on the documentary....
I've decided this week to try something new. I am going to spend 15-30 minutes per day in bible study. I normally read a daily devotional and that is great but I'm really bad at sticking to a real bible study so I've decided to take a new approach. I am looking at this study as more of a research project than anything else. I'm starting with Genesis 1 and going to (hopefully) work my way through every story in the bible, one story at a time, over the next few years...yes I realize this approach is going to take YEARS, however I think I will come out of it more grounded in my faith and with a better understanding of God's word outside of the Sunday school answers. I know tons about theology, and more than most people about particular parts of the Bible but I'm realizing as I grow older that there are a lot of holes in my knowledge and I really want to fill those holes in.
My plan is to read a bible story on Sunday. On Monday I will re-read the story and research the context in which the story falls, who is the story about, who are they talking to, who wrote the story when etc. Tuesday-Friday I am going to focus on investigating the true meaning of the story, how it is applicable today and how it was applicable in biblical times and on Saturday I will read the story again. I figure if I keep notes as I go I will easily be able to flip back through my notes and hopefully be able to draw my own sort of diagram to put the pieces of the puzzle together for myself. There are 66 books in the bible but there is no real count as to the number of stories. Since I've decided to take a story approach I have no clue how long this is going to take but I think it is a good practice and it will make be a better person and a stronger Christian. I am sure there will be stories that require more research and other stories that require less so I may find myself spending 1 day on the application of one story and 1 week on another but I think having the basic layout of one story per week to begin with will help give me focus and structure to get into the habit. Besides--I'm starting at the beginning, I"m sure there is more than enough meat in Genesis to fill a week of study with each story!!!
Oh and...I will read the begats...all of them....every, single, word...
Wish me luck!